文书课堂|SOP开头怎么写

上一篇我们讲解了UIUC的PS的首段如何加强亮点PS开头怎么写。这一篇，以我们往年用户申请UCLA的菲尔丁学院的SOP的首段为例，讲解怎样开门见山地显示自己的优秀，写出你的精彩。

（文中示例已取得作者及文书导师授权）

以下为用户原文：

I want to make a difference to the world in science exploration as well as in social involvement, for the development of evidence-based medicine together with social collaboration have provided us the chance of saving millions at a time. Since the experience in serving in Shandong Province Blood Center in my freshman year, I have been equipped with some devotion to this course: “Why not have some hot water?” When I received the cup with warm and friendship from the doctor in charge after a cold winter afternoon work, I felt the passion we shared in public health. “Why am I donating my blood? Because it helps, doesn’t it.” Faced with the trust in donators’ smile, I realized the responsibility on our shoulder. I have been trying to equip myself with knowledge and skills ever since, trying to improve through in-class as well as out-class experiences, to be eligible for this responsibility, to keep exploring, learning and progressing. And that is what I will continue to pursue throughout my life.

修改后：

From trapping mice in the fields at night, collecting tissue samples to trace a scrub typhus outbreak, to working at the Shandong Province Blood Center, to a chronic illness management project that involved 3,457 families and 59 grassroots organizations; throughout these experiences of tenacity and a sense of purpose drove me forward. Exposure to challenging situations, rigorous project design and execution, alongside inspiring colleagues enabled me to build core skills beyond the level of those I learned on my degree. Consequently, I identified epidemiology—particularly that of infectious diseases—as a key component of my research goals, and the Fielding School as the ideal place to utilize, enhance and expand my background.

（为便于讲解，已将文章用粗细两种字体区分）

首先看第一部分（细体部分），原稿第一部分的表述并不出彩，最大的弊病是没内容。招生官获取不到他们想要的信息（比如申请者的实力和见解），也找想要读下去的点（比如有趣的经历和令人赞叹的文笔）。于是，修改策略是（1）填内容；（2）语言修饰。

内容上，修改后一句话列举用户原文中的四段经历“ trapping mice , collecting tissue samples，working at the Shandong Province Blood Center, a chronic illness management project”四段经历串出从事这个项目的初衷“ throughout these experiences of tenacity and a sense of purpose drove me forward.”水到渠成。经历是用户本来就有的，这些经历在申请中是很精彩的加分项。但明显，该用户初稿时和大多数申请者一样，空有精彩背景，在文书里却展现地不够充分。

语言上，精炼是不言而喻的。但言词精炼老到的程度，我们还是要分析一下。用户的经历描写“trapping mice in the fields at night”时间、地点、事件仅7个单词,“collecting tissue samples to trace a scrub typhus outbreak”9个单词，“working at the Shandong Province Blood Center”7个单词，“chronic illness management project that involved 3,457 families and 59 grassroots organizations”这段经历为了突出能力用定语做了修饰，但依然仅有12个单词。加上串联词和标点也不过才53个词，再也没有删掉任何词的余地。

一篇合格文书的标准之一：删无可删，每一句都有信息。

再来看第二部分（粗体部分）。这几句看起来似乎没有问题，举例论证、细节描写、感情升华，好像很完美的套路。但这一段放在这里并不合适。阅读文书的人不是标化考试的考官，他们不喜欢这样形式主义的表述。要时刻牢记在心，我们平时用的正常的写作模式，并不能体现我们在将英语作为第二语言学习时的“逻辑性”。在看修改后，修改后的细体部分已经完成了举例的任务，那么接下来要做的工作是——写出自己的收获。“有所为，有所得”这是SOP的通用逻辑。Consequently自然引出SOP里的P，即purpose部分，过渡自然。

修改后，作者完成了这样一项工作“你看我经历丰富，下文我会展开讲这些经历，有兴趣的话就接着看下去。我与人有良好的合作能力，我还有责任感，并且我喜欢你们的项目，想成为其中一员，我是你们理想的研究伙伴”。其实，修改前的文段也在进行这项任务，但是未修改的文段煽情稍多、实质内容比较少，去掉形式主义的东西内容显得十分单薄，别人看过后的感受是“哦，你有一项实习，你是个热血少年”。这样的你远不够一个理想的合作伙伴的标准。但初稿的内容恰恰是很多同学文书中的弊病。

一句话总结这篇内容：改掉煽情的毛病，用最少的词讲最多的事，让你的文书每一句都有实在意义。

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